Here you will find information about released Ep’s I’ve done that will eventually get converted into full lengths albums once I get 12 tracks. The Epidemic EP is a 4 track …
With Halloween coming up in a couple of weeks I thought I’d share a ghost story which happened in 2009 nearly a decade ago. Before we start I got to say …
With Halloween coming up in a couple of weeks I thought I’d share a ghost story which happened in 2009 nearly a decade ago. Before we start I got to say I’m a sceptic but after this, it kind of changed my mind but I am still a sceptic but I am open for explanations so feel free to chip in with your opinions and stories in the comments. Every year around Halloween me and my mate like to go on a Halloween walk each year and where we end up is a whole different story but this year we stuck to local sources in Bitton and at an old railway station in Bristol near to Bath. I wrote about the old dramway/railway station now a cycle track in the past but for those who missed the blog post the cycle track was first a dramway in the 18th century and pushed coal to the River Avon Bristol’s main river. It was a horse-drawn railway and got its name from the ‘drams’ or carts that carried the coal. Construction work started in 1829, with sections opening between 1830 and 1834, and the line was in use until around 1866. The route of the dramway was carefully constructed to make maximum use of the slope of the land down to the River Avon, and there are several cuttings and embankments along the route, to give an even, gentle gradient. Coal was loaded into carts and these rolled slowly down the slope, led by horses and controlled by a brakeman or ‘guide’. Horses pulled the empty carts back up the track to the coal mines. After it was shut down around the 1600s due to the railway boom in Britain it was turned into a railway track but was abandoned for many of years before being turned into a railway track until it closed and got turned into a cycle track. The place is said to be haunted and once had a play and film made about the place called The Ghost Train wrote by Arnold Ridley who I know best of the deaf one from TV comedy Dad’s Army. We set out late around 9 pm and as always didn’t know where we were going but at one point there was the talk of walking to Bath 10.3 miles away. I’ve been this way before a couple of weeks before in fact so I knew where we were going it was quite simple actually just one straight line on the cycle path. The last time I was there I was alone and my camera battery died (as I was taking pictures) and I had to go back home to fill up again, I thought nothing of it until now which I’m a now like hmmm but sceptic at the same time.
I needed to go to the toilet and was surprised to find the toilets were still open so I go in and my mate waits outside, before that I tell him of my experience with the camera which happened last time I was there and he knew of the station’s hauntings so he didn’t want to be left outside and he later told me he was scared waiting outside being more of a believer than me. We were taking photos cos at that time I was kind of obsessed or had a passion for photography and was taking photos for Flickr so I was trying to find some good snaps to show off so to speak so it was going off every two seconds. Looking back at previous shots we have just taken which was of nothing special just an empty cycle track with a bridge in front we came across this haunting picture.
It was a small screen to look at but examining the photo now and many times before it looks like a man with a fractured right skull at the front it also looks like his right eye is closed but his left is just about open but not fully. It kind of looks like an alien or a mask of some sort and the eyes mouth and nose are visible. Now there is no denying that it could be mist which is why I called my poem and track on the album Ghost Mist as it’s certainly from the cold air but to see the face with what it looks like a shot wound it trips me out. My mate ran off like a little girl honestly that’s a put down for all little girls out there but yeah he was gone and I was left laughing on the spot wondering what just happened in all sense. I looked up reports of ghosts haunting the railway station I found one but who knows if it was him he was called Hudd and died in the coal mines near me though it says Kingswood and where the colliery is that’s not that close to Kingswood that happened in the 1900s. As mentioned before I made a poem for a Halloween chapbook and a track for my Halloween album which is all out now at all available platforms but it was based on this story I told. The chapbook is free with the album which is also free and is to celebrate this year’s Halloween.
Today is national album day and this year’s theme is “don’t skip” which is based around not skipping tracks and listening to albums in full with no judgment whilst talking about …
Today is national album day and this year’s theme is “don’t skip” which is based around not skipping tracks and listening to albums in full with no judgment whilst talking about the benefits of music listening on your mental health. Today I will be talking about four albums that I can listen all the way through and not skip a track.
The first album is by Missy Elliot and is her debut album Supa Dupa Fly. Produced by Timbaland and written by Missy it is a 90’s gem and in my eyes, one of the best albums to come out in the ’90s and there were a lot of great albums out at that time. Released in 1997 it’s jammed pack with 90s artists from start to finish with all different flows and bounces and each song is a favourite and all of them I hum or sing or rap along to them. With songs catchy hits like Hit Em With De Hee, The Rain, Sock It To Me, Beep Me 911 Missy Reigned in the late ’90s and the videos were everywhere with top productions visuals to go with their big productions. Though I liked the commercial hits my favourites on the album are Best Friend Ft Aaliyah and I’m Talkin’ and I also like Why You Hurt Me and they never get old when I’m playing them. I think it’s the combination of vocals, lyrics, production and guest appearances that makes me love the album so much. It has my favourite rappers and singers on the album and as I said with Timbaland productions it’s an album that will stand the tale of time and everything about it is just catchy and infectious. It made me appreciate Timbaland productions and I was ecstatic when I saw Aaliyah was working with both Missy and Timbaland and made me ride with them so hard. I had all their albums playing on repeat but out of all the albums they produced Supa Dupa Fly Is the one and I will never get tired of it.
The second album is Notorious B.I.G’s before his passing called Life After Death and was released in 1997. Now I had to think for a second and think what is my favourite Notorious B.I.G album was but it has to be this one as it’s the one that made me feel good and had the most songs I loved not just liked. Yeah, his first album Ready To Die was the shit but this had more party songs. His lyrical flows had me amazed on this album and I learnt how to write metaphors and jokey lines in my raps cos of this album. Though the album only spawned two successful singles Hypnotize and Mo Money More Problems and that was due to the explicit content it still had many hits from the album my favourites are Kick In the Door, Fuck You Tonight, What’s Beef, I Got A Story To Tell, Miss U, Another, 10 Crack Commandants, Playa Hater, The World Is Full, My Downfall, Long Kiss Goodnight and You’re Nobody (Till Somebody Kills You) the whole album basically. Out of all of them, I Got A Story To Tell is my favourite off the album and You’re Nobody (Till Somebody Kills You.) I do like both albums both Ready To Die and Life After Death but I felt this had more consistency on the number of good tracks and the ones I could play without doing harm should I say and that’s not meant in a bad way lol.
The next album I can’t skip when playing is Ludaris Debut album Word Of Mouf and was released 2001. The whole album is southern hypeness (full of energy) and has got hits like Roll Out, Move Bitch, Saturday (Oooooh Oooooh) and Area Codes. Though these are party starters they ain’t my favourite on the album and Go To Sleep, She Said, Growing Pains, Get The Fuck Back, Freaky Thangs and Cold Outside are my personal favourites from the album. The album is full of humour and one-liners and I could go on examples but I won’t. But it always makes me laugh each time and it has some good tracks on the album and not just humourous tracks but some deep tracks like Cold Outside and Growing Pains I really feel them tracks the most but when I’m feeling hyped I used to put on the other tracks and hype out. Even though it’s an old album I still love it like it’s the first time I heard it and never get bored of the album. Again when I was thinking about who’s albums I really love the most I thought Ludacris then I had to think what was the best album they are all good albums The Red Light District and Chicken ‘n’ Beer were in the running but I thought I’d choose Word Of Mouf as it’s a solid album and is more than good throughout and I’m not even saying his other albums aren’t as good the whole album is exciting.
The last album I can play without skipping is Lil’ Kim Hardcore yes bit of a shocker as it’s an album for the ladies some would say not me though for the record. It is one I can play and not skip a track as it’s full of sassiness and tales of haters I could relate to and being a joker I was like what the hell is she saying hold up a minute I can’t be singing that “I used to be scared of the dick now I throw them lips to the shit handle it like a real bitch” but I did anyway. I must admit when I first heard the album especially Big Momma Thang in the school gym and the teachers were blushing and so was I. I was used to Salt ‘n’ Pepa and those lyrics so when Kim came through she knocked me off my feet and I was like marry me Kim I love you. Some people would say this album is trash but if you value real hip hop you would know this is a gem of an album and has lyrical content that is being for the worst and the for the good cheaply intimated by other female rappers over the decades and more this decade. Though it hasn’t had that many singles off the album only Ladies Night (Remix) and Crush On You due to explicit content it remains a favourite to many and I think it’s still underground as the album hasn’t had much radio play. My favourites on the album are Dreams, Spend A Little Doe, Big Momma Thang, Drugs, Not Tonight and Fuck You, and out of all of them Dreams, Not Tonight and Spend A Little Doe are my favourites on the album.
Hi everyone how are we all good I’m okay and doing good not been up to that much my gran and aunty came up and cleaned up my flat and I …
Hi everyone how are we all good I’m okay and doing good not been up to that much my gran and aunty came up and cleaned up my flat and I went over to my dad’s for the night but apart from that I haven’t really been that much active. I did have a chance to see Lauryn Hill in Bristol but I couldn’t go and I am gutted as she is an inspiration despite the race thing but I wished I went damn you bus pass. I finally got a stereo after not having one for nearly four years and for a music lover like myself that’s a long time though I did have headphones. For those who don’t know, I have my own radio station and from the 10th October the 6pm-12am shows are being replaced with a Halloween playlist up until the 1st November. The Halloween playlist is dark and ambient tracks I’ve made and is vaporwave, house, hauntology and prog rock. I’ve been building up my confidence or at least this is the start of the process as I do lack confidence but I am overcoming this. I’m not sure if I said but I could be going to Florida next year to a wedding my uncle’s, in fact, I’ve already got the passport papers ready just in case I do want to go and I am preparing to launch myself off the ground in due course. I’ve had a few attempts of online chat but that has failed miserably and is nothing but kinky people looking to get their rocks blown off which is all good but I’m not looking for sex only mates and do you know hard that is to find on the internet it’s bloody hard. I even fought my demons with being on webcam chat but it just reinforced what I thought already which is it’s a cutthroat world when it comes to online chat rooms with the trolls weirdos and the hornyness honestly I ain’t cut out for that and ain’t no way like what I used to be but I still handle myself lol. I have two albums coming out in November on the 1st another house album of the vocal house kind and on the 25th a Christmas album which I still haven’t mastered but it’s finished and ready to go by the 25th. I have started doing an album for next year two, in fact, one about the rainforest and the other for 420. I’m pretty sure I’ll have another album out by the end of the year but I haven’t started one yet so who knows what my next project will be. I’ve been making quite a lot of mixes recently and even a mixtape called Maze’s Mixtape’s – Clear The Air which was for World Mental Health Day you can find out more about that in my blog post I did called Clear The Air Explained on this website and depending on how long it’s been it should be on the right in the sidebar in the recent post section on every page. The mixtape was all written and performed by me and I’m kind of pleased how it came out I could have done better on delivery but apart from that, I’m pleased with it as it was bottled up emotions I kept inside me for soooo long. I’ve also got two other albums out at the moment Afro Cosmic Generation an album for Black History Month which is focused on Afrofuturism and Dark Impressions this year’s Halloween album which is based on photos that were taken by me where I live in Bristol. All the albums and mixtape are free on Bandcamp but I will ask for a small donation to help me keep going thank you if you do make a donation. Well, I think that is it for this month do get in touch with me via chat or send me a message in the contact section of this website. I also see there were people who went to my site when it was down sorry about that the website is now back up and running and shouldn’t have any more problems…I hope. Don’t forget if you like the content don’t forget to give it a thumbs up and if you can please like my facebook page here;
To celebrate World Mental Health Day today I thought I’d share my story again as the last one got deleted as it was on my old site and this is the …
To celebrate World Mental Health Day today I thought I’d share my story again as the last one got deleted as it was on my old site and this is the new and improved one. I decided to be more honest in this one as I purposely left bits out but not today. As the title says and for those who didn’t know I suffer from psychosis and have been suffering from it since I was seven, around 27 years now and wasn’t treated for it until 2016. For people who don’t know anything about the illness, Psychosis is a mental health problem that causes people to perceive or interpret things differently from those around them, symptoms of psychosis are;
- confused and disturbed thoughts
- lack of insight and self-awareness
I’m not sure when or how they started probably moving to Barbados with my gran and my mum’s absence that didn’t help either she didn’t want anything to do with me and it was decided I would go and live with my gran and her then-husband so I had to say goodbye to friends and the place I loved most, people were friendly around the way I must say. My time in Barbados wasn’t good and I struggled with reality every day but Madonna and Micheal Jackson kept me alive and played the Immaculate Collections and all the Micheal Jackson albums daily on my walkman crying a lot too. It was then the voices started and we weirdly bonded they would cheer me up when I would cry or tell me to wind my neck in when I was getting in trouble in school or at home. That’s how I let it go on for so long as I eventually began to think that I couldn’t survive without the voices but that was later on in my life in my teenage years. It all stems from an event that happened in real life but if I was there that’s another story. I’m talking about an illegal rave called Sunrise Back To The Future I was only 4 when it happened and my mum may have taken me to it which explains quite a lot like why I have the deepest passion for House music and all things underground I even thought I saw a picture of myself at a rave in Bath with the words “Is This You” underneath and the words were true but if that was me in the picture that’s another thing. I didn’t investigate that the voices had a hold of me on that day but I wished I did as I will never know if that was me. It sounds crazy but it is possible and I remember it like it was yesterday how it and what happened but at the same time I have psychosis so delusions is its middle name. I have gone on facebook and broke the silence with my mum but she still hasn’t responded guess she still doesn’t want anything to do with me but for my sanity, I wish she would respond and truthfully. That’s why I haven’t done a blog post about it as I can’t do a blog post on something that isn’t factual to my life or though saying that it could be all real just doubt doing overtime. I’ve had this possible delusion since I can remember and isn’t new not sure what age but it was around 2015 when I was watching it on youtube it possibly came back or I started having delusions.
After nearly being thrown out of primary school I made it to secondary school which was hell but heaven. I met one of my idols Aaliyah and a few friends who I don’t see and haven’t seen since I got expelled but I had fun and was a troubling but fun time for me but it was then the psychosis got all too much for me or at least it started to get that way. It was 2001 when it got overload with 9/11 and Aaliyah’s death which by the way I thought she was murdered and they were coming after me. It was that point her songs started to get threatening and……it’s hard to describe but it wasn’t nice that’s for sure and for a day or two I was convinced 9/11 had something to do with Aaliyah’s death and were the same people after me I had trouble sleeping for at least a week after lol. It wasn’t just Aaliyah’s songs that started to become threatening they all were and I started to think they were all against me even the pop groups started to have a go or so I thought. I thought they had a mirror and could see everything I was doing and that they were doing bidding for these high up people but they didn’t want to not all of them anyway. It’s not Illuminati but big wigs in Hollywood I thought were doing this as in school there were talks like the MK Ultra, puppets, corrupt Hollywood and all that jazz and this must of leaked into my brain, I can’t think of a better explanation. It felt like I was being harassed no matter where I went and not just in songs but it eventually crept into the TV and I was getting messages there too and not very nice ones. I’m not sure when that was but I know the music came first and then it started on the TV. The music started when I was 7 but that was more like I had a mission to do and they were geeing me up but after Aaliyah’s death it got all serious and threatening.
When I was around 15 I began to take ecstasy and found it helped with the voices at this point I began to recognize them as mind readers and they were nice at the start but after the ecstasy, they became quite worrying and threatening like the songs and TV were or at least I remember them being more predominant then. Episodes would last longer and I was more reckless and angrier than before which was a good thing as it didn’t push me to suicide and I could put up with the crap going on in my head. I did have one self-harm incident which I ain’t proud of, the first one was an episode I was having where a Scottish voice told me in an angry voice to do it and I was drunk and in a wreck at that time so I did it. It was nothing major but I still have the scars and have to cover them up when I’m embarrassed, I’m learning to deal with them as it wasn’t my fault it’s silly really I wished I never did it but I did so I have to move on. Moving on to when I was 18 I got kicked out of my first B&B for having a fit but now I think about it it was another episode, I got another B&B placement after living in a Hotel for 2 months sounds fancy but cos I was fostered (oh yeah I was fostered for 8 years maybe more than that) social services put me in a hotel cos I had nowhere to go as it was all last-minute kind of thing when I got thrown out. I took more drugs and met some great people one of them is no longer here and more on that later. I eventually got kicked out of that B&B for smoking in my room so I moved to Wales, I didn’t want to leave as one of the people who I met at the B&B was having a rough time and didn’t know if he could make it without someone there for him. He suffered badly from depression and suicidal thoughts and most people around him didn’t really care for him which I thought was a shame as he was a good person and talented a good beatboxer if I remember rightly. We met once again at my last B&B before I got my flat but that was short-lived and he committed suicide and I found him dead in his room whilst living there, that’s why I got my flat thanks to him but I still miss him. I had so much in common with him in mental illness and taste in music etc we were both house fans and I really got on with him it’s a shame he went the way he did, I allowed him to use me as a rock and lifted him up when he was down which was a strain at times as I wasn’t feeling the best but I felt like that was my mission and did everything I could to keep him alive. I remember him liking Touch The Sky By Dennis Ferrer and it helped\ both of us through a hard time hopefully it will do the same.
After his death, I was convinced the police were now involved with all the non-stop harassment from the TV and music I was listening to. I got my flat which I’m still living there and have been for over 12 years now. I still went along with the psychosis I had to deal with police and security guards who would often stop me for shouting cos they were following me or being called to take me away. All I ever wanted to do is some shopping and I never expect to get kicked out or arrested cos the security guard is being racist, I’ve been shopping many times and not had an episode and I still get followed and harassed by security, there have been times where I’ve been shouting in an aisle but that couldn’t be helped. It got so bad that I nearly was banned from all my local shops and could only go into Iceland which is still till this day the same, I had to beg them to let me continue shopping at Iceland after an argument with security which thankfully the staff and manager was quite understanding, I haven’t been in there for years now and I’m kinda embarrassed to go back in. The police have been no better and at times made situations worse rather than better arresting me for trivial stuff like shouting in public or getting psychical for no reason this just raised my suspicions with the police and every meeting was sure to be arrest and more hate for the police. Not only that they would play mind games with you knowing your condition and play on your fears and play with your mind, they often took advantage of situations which would lead to an arrest and a pile on and the custody sergeants are no better they don’t care what happened just as long as they keep making them come through the doors it makes me mad thinking about it. I got this sort of fear of the police by my mate who I was on about earlier and he had delusions thoughts of police and also in music and TV I was convinced of the same thing with music and TV but he kind of put his delusions on me which started making me think the police were involved too. Everything he said made sense and was linked with my thoughts and what I was experiencing without me saying anything to him about my experiences, it’s easy for someone to say “you should know it’s not real” but when you are experiencing any sort of delusions you’re too far past it to see the fake from the real and the lines get blurred the more you go down the path.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things but the far craziest is going on twitter and facebook and ranting about 90s celebrities particularly Hip Hop and R’n’B artists. I had enough of the music and what was being said on the TV and thought it was time to expose the bad people and I went on rampages to stop the taunts. I would like to apologize to all involved and know now that it was all in my head and didn’t mean anything I said, they were all my idols and I thought they were after me so that hurt a lot which is all laughable now but at the time it hurt quite bad and refused to play their records but I would always go back to them as in the back of my mind, though I was unstable I knew it was all in my head but there were times when I couldn’t even tell the difference. Around 2013 I started going on midnight walks alone with my dog quite a lot I walked around all of Bristol and Bath walking 15 miles at times, doing what I never understood what I was doing but I was having fun that’s for sure. I remember once watching the TV quiz show Countdown and picking up what I thought were clues something about meeting a Russian spy then on the night time I was driven out my home by what I thought were police and their terror gadgets I still can’t explain what it was but it was something like an electric forcefield running through me and it was annoying. I walked all the way to the town centre around 3 miles to where I live where I thought I was going to meet a Russian spy but I could never find him. I say spy but I don’t really know who I was meant to be meeting, I know I was having voices in my head telling me to buy some tuxedos but I never did and never would of as the voices led me but never really make me go out and spend a crazy amount of money for one of of my so say missions. I didn’t allow the voices to control me but curiosity was a different thing and think it was my curiosity that led me astray, the what-ifs so to speak. There were always two sides a good and bad side and they were days where I was fighting with the bad and days I was fighting with the good and some days a bit of both. I had several kinds of voices from the against to the pro and they were telling me all sorts of stuff but mostly they were quite nice to me but unexpectedly get nasty for no reason and without warning.
As I said before it wasn’t until April 1st 2015 when I was admitted into hospital under the mental health act. It was after I got arrested and spent 48 hours in the police cell which started as an arrest for playing my music loud well actually that’s why they came but it’s how I responded which got me arrested and I just wouldn’t sit down and was aggressive and loud my whole stay there was like that well for most of it. I thought it was all linked to the music etc complex and being on April’s Fools day it was highly suspicious to me, I stayed in a security unit for around 3 weeks then went to an open ward which was nice to get some freedom back I’ve never been locked up more than two days before and wasn’t used to the restrictions they had so it was all new to me. I stayed out of trouble for 4 months until the end of October of 2016 where I was sectioned again for causing havoc in my neighbourhood just shouting at my window and harassing my neighbour who was harassing me just look at the dates I was sectioned Halloween and April Fools day that goes to show someone was messing with me and I ain’t gone mad, yes it could be a coincidence but the history behind it is more than you think. Since 2017 I’ve been on a drug called Paliperidone which stops all the voices and delusions and I’ve been happy ever since so good to have a clear head and not have to put up with all that chat in your ear. I found making music helps and only started in 2016 when I brought my first music maker Magixs Music Maker 2016, before 2017 I crossed over to FL Studio where I’ve been producing music on that DAW ever since. It doesn’t just kill time and boredom but it helps me focus on something rather than get distracted by the voices which come up from time to time. Funny enough in the bizarre twist of it all I felt music was my salvation in all the mist and always listened to music in my darkest hour it was kind of sweet but sour at the same time but it never put me off the music. Actually, it was when I came out of the hospital in 2016 when I stopped listening to music altogether, for a while and I don’t watch TV now for two reasons one cos TV licence and the other one is for my sanity as I’ve had too many years of so-called harassment. I’ve only started listening to music again and I am looking for a stereo as mine is out of date it still has tape decks for frig sakes lol and it doesn’t work any more. I tend to go with the more positive songs and skip the negative ones as I never liked negative songs, not the outright negative.
So that’s my mental health story dealing with psychosis if you made it all the way to the end thank you for reading it it was quite a lot of information to write out as it was for a long period of time so there was a lot to cover. If you suffer from any mental illness or you know someone with a mental illness don’t be so hard upon yourself or them take each day as it comes and don’t let the feelings or anybody for that matter get you down. If you haven’t sought help then do so before you end up in a bad outcome. And people there is no need to judge yes they may think that Bin Laden is after them but if the shoe was on the other foot you would think otherwise. I hate people who purposely wind up the mentally ill when they are adults you shouldn’t behave like that and is nothing but childish behaviour it makes me mad. It’s just the way they go around thinking they are better or that person doesn’t know anything cos they have an illness get a grip prick. Just because that person is or had a mishap you hold it against them for eternity. I’ve seen this happen a few times with friends and strangers I’ve met along the way. I have no time for dumb people and will cut you off not that there is much cutting as my circle is small and cut many people out my circle for dumb and non-dumb reasons, I won’t get into that as that would be another long paragraph. Well that’s it we’ve come to the end of the line for this blog post I hope you found it interesting and informative. I will leave you with three tracks I produced “Changes” “Better Days” and “In My Stone Cold Grave (I’ll Be Pushing Through”) three house tracks as House is the salvation of music and are three of my best positive tracks for people who need a lift in their life so I leave you with these three tracks and remember I’m always here for you.
As promised here are the songs from behind the mixtape Clear The Air, if you haven’t already you can check out my blog post about each song and the meaning behind …
To celebrate Mental Health Month in America this month (October) I made an album called Clear The Air about mental health and other topics but mainly mental health. It started off …
To celebrate Mental Health Month in America this month (October) I made an album called Clear The Air about mental health and other topics but mainly mental health. It started off as a song I first did called Let Me Be and decided to make an album then I changed it to a mixtape as it’s old tracks revamped with lyrics and different instruments. It is my own personal stories with life in general let’s call it the struggle. The mixtape’s name Maze’s Mixtape is a reference to being trapped in a situation you can’t get out of and your head starts to cloud up well mine did anyway, it’s where the inspiration from Daze came from if you’ve heard that one it’s off the album called Highs & Lows another vocal house album I did and appeared on. I wrote all the songs myself and got the inspiration from my own trials and tribulations and also Mary J Blige who said in a video for Spotify Artists “Just write from your heart” which I did and got quite a lot of anger out in the process highly recommended for people who are frustrated and have a lot of built-up anger inside them. I found it easy enough to write 15 songs or poems and enjoyed doing the hooks the most, it was done in under a week and I did songs back to back day and night as I was having fun doing the writing process, not so much at the end and the putting the tracks together even though it was half done for me as I used my old loops some from albums that weren’t even ready to be consumed yet but still I’m learning not quite there yet I feel.
Hold Me Back is a track about being held back by certain people in my life and me saying it’s not okay to do that. I’ve been held back many times by friends and even family who seem to think they know what’s best. I’ve been nice by not saying anything but now I’m tired of it. This ain’t about family but more friends and others who seem to think it’s okay to go round knocking people down to make up for their low self-esteem honestly I’m tired of it. I don’t enjoy calling people out that’s not my style but when they go on like what they do it’s hard not to.
Limbo is about being alone in this world and is my own long experience of loneliness. To be honest, I’ve always been a loner I enjoy my solitude but I do like to socialize I am normal lol, not to get the tissues out or anything but having a mental illness didn’t help and people either stopped talking to me or I stopped talking to them. My reasons were I couldn’t trust anyone doesn’t know what their excuse was but they are all grown now and have kids whilst I sit here on my laptop entertaining myself. Whilst my inner thoughts are silent at the moment I still find it hard to go out and meet people. I tried webcam chat but they want dates or one on one sexy time I’ll pass thanks. Even talking to people online makes me nervous I prefer old skool chat rooms but that’s where the real weirdos hang out to so I’m put off, I’ve never said it before so to say it out loud felt awkward but now I’m okay with it and know it’s okay to say you’re lonely.
Recollections is about bad memories from the past haunting you. It references a line from another song I did called Insomnia and was referencing the many all-nighters I used to pull and do random stuff, I stayed up for three days straight before doing random stuff like walking to nowhere and doing silly things. In the first verse of the track the lines “bad dreams is all what they seem” is referencing dreams I thought were real and in an episode, they felt real. It’s part of the illness Pyschosis but it always felt like I had ties somewhere and in the present, the past was calling me digging up old wounds and throwing salt. Dawn is referring to two things the House song by Pete Tong I liked the remix can’t think which one though. I’m referring to it as it was one of the lowest points of my life when I was playing that song and also it made me happy but it didn’t help. I also used dawn as a tribute to the 80’s rave promoter Sunrise and other reasons which I already explained so please check out my mental health story coming out on the 10th of this month (October) if you want to know more on that. I remember there being a divide within the family when I was proper young like 3 and upwards and there were massive fights it was chaotic which is where the line “divide within the team” comes from it’s about family I no longer see cos of the big rift which makes me sad when I think about it. “In the night they beam” in the night referencing dark days in my life and beam means they are illuminated and shine meaning people give them props for weak moves that they do. “Climb that highest mountain and ignore those who growl” is not only my advice I would give to you if dealing with haters but also a mountain lion reference.
Music Saved Me is about my love hate relationship with music and is a healer but a destroyer for me. As I said before I’ve talked all about it in my mental health story post I did a while back but being released on the 10th of this month (October.) The whole track is shouting out my favourite songs that personally helped me through my struggle in order they are (and by the way if I remember I’ll put a video blog post of all the songs that inspired this album in the V.O.C Notes section on the website.
Aaliyah – Are You Somebody
Missy Elliott- Mommy
Ludacris- How Low
Ahmad -Back In The Day
Salt ‘n’ Pepa – Tramp
Usher – My Way
Lil Kim – Spend A Little Doe
Lil’ Kim – Lil Drummer Boy
LSG – My Body
Mary J Blige – Be With You
Boyz II Men – End Of The Road
TLC – Case Of The Fake People
TLC – Let’s Do It Again
Brandy – Where You Wanna Be
Kelly Price – Best Friend
Method Man & Redman Ft Toni Braxton – I Get So High
Tone Loc – Cheba Cheba
Disclosure – When A Fire Starts To Burn
Peggy Lee – Fever
Notorious B.I.G – Playa Hater
Rihanna – Russian Roulette
Michael Jackson – Stranger In Moscow
Zhane – Sending You My Love
Dru Hill – Sleeping In My Bed (Remix)
Sporty Thieves – No Pigeons
Snap – Ride on Time
Get High is an anti-propaganda song that is targeted to weed. With my illness psychosis they say not to smoke weed even though I do and they keep scorning me for it so I wrote a song about just wanting to get high without any consequences and even though I smoke regularly I still haven’t had another episode since the last one 3 years ago when I first was admitted to hospital and was my first visit to a ward. Weed has always made me want to create something not destroy anything and I’m hoping for more relaxed rules in the U.K in the near future. DM is referring to the British newspaper Daily Mail similar to Fox News with their racism and propaganda not to say the extra-large dose of scaremongering.
Demons Inside is about living with your demons and the constant pressure there is from it. My demons were drugs and voices in my head which have both gone now but at one point I was dealing with several demons. I became an animal and I thought I was unstoppable hence the line “The animal I became thought I had a umbrella for this rain” the “umbrella” being protection from the “rain” meaning elements. All the questions I had too like the line “Too many questions not enough answers” I’m looking for my truths but not getting answers and met with dead roads. The line “Like are they really gassing or in fact private dancers” means are they just hyping or working for someone not necessarily work for them but to collaborate with them to bring you down my haters run deep personally. The line “Demons inside me are fluent” is referring to my psychosis and hearing voices and seem to know everything which is why it always feels so real. “Don’t gas me up got no time for that” is a gaslighting phrase and is also a Lil’ Kim song called “No Time” where puff daddy sings on the hook “No time for fake niggas just sipping crystal with the real niggas from east to west coast spread love niggas and while you niggas talking shit we count bank figures.” The line “psychosis enemy, I think I need another hit is referring to voices in my head I had at that time and for nearly three decades, “I think I need another hit” is referring to self-medicating on weed to help me calm down didn’t help with the voices though but it didn’t drive me crazy.
Let Me Be is a whole song dedicated to Psychosis and tells of stories of when I went on mad ones. I’ve said many times now but I’ll say it again if you want more information on Psychosis check out my blog post coming out on the 10th of this month (October.)
So You’re A Hater is my own fuck you haters song and is after many years of being hated on by the hater crew with their sad and pitiful asses. “So you’re a hater bitch, bitch you’re dead wrong” is referring to the Notorious B.I.G track Dead Wrong where he says “The weak and the strong you got it goin on you you’re dead wrong” same with the line “You’re weak and you’re strong” it’s also referencing the Biggie track Dead Wrong. The Line “You see these haters are petty goodness gracious me” is referencing three things haters first of all then the British Comedy Goodness Gracious Me and the current feelings of Brexit how petty it’s getting. It’s referencing the British comedy as it’s an all Asian cast and represents migrants and immigrants and the negative perception of them especially in Britain and around the world which started on Muslims then led any immigrant, oh it’s also a saying when you are shocked or surprised at something I’m sure you have heard it. The Line “They say what does he really know and can he really speak” is about the haters judging and crititzing people and me. I’ve been criticized for a few things making music, appearing on the BBC in an interview for the news at 6 and 10 but I know they are bitching cos they are insecure about themselves and anyway it’s never done in front of me and they know I’ll pull up on them. The line “I found my voice and I’m going use it, I didn’t have a choice I pity you trying to ruse is telling them haters I didn’t have a choice you made me act crazy you put petrol to the fire and I went off, don’t start a fire on purpose and not to expect to be called an arsonist but they thought it was all fun and games but I always get the last laugh. They are always trying to conjure up a plot like some bad cheap witches/Guy Fawkes their days are numbered. “You buffalo freaks” is referencing the people who go to the gym, not like normal people they think they are bad cos they got muscles and look down at people with no hunchness in them. It’s mainly at people on steroids and go around putting people down cos their circle likes to have muscles and think it’s the world while I think it’s is shallowness and shouldn’t even be entertained in my opinion. “You hate so much like the seasons” is referring to British weather one minute it’s hot then it’s cold then it’s snowing then it’s raining it’s always hating when we have something too good just give Britain a chance for Pete’s sake.
Hanging Out My Love is about taking bold steps to find friendship and possible love but it’s more friendship, I felt inspired after hearing a sample and used it in my own works Love On The Line (Firestarter 2018) for a splice competition. I thought it was about time I got back out there and met people and make some changes, it’s already been a big year for me in 2019 with changes and next year I plan to make bigger steps. I have an end goal going to a wedding in America, Florida next year (2020) if I go or not who will know but I’m going to get ready for it just in case I do go but who knows.
Peace Be With You is about finding peace within yourself and removing any unwanted drama from your life. This covers all hate topics too racism, politics, genders, sexuality, nations, terrorist, Hater’s and other’s and I’m saying we shouldn’t go at war with each other cos of those things and we should embrace people instead of knocking them down. Obviously there are some that can’t be accepted like the extremists they need to calm down cos that hate is too strong it’s like a disease but everyone who wants to fit in should be allowed to no matter what. The line “Gotta have peace gotta have faith, don’t let it to rub off on you don’t allow it to chaff” I was saying don’t let other people’s perceptions change you and irritate you to do something stupid never give haters the time of day. Also the line “It’s funny and peculiar, how they act like a junior” is referencing both Boris Johnson’s and Donald Trump’s behavior acting like a toddler when they don’t get their way shame on you both, I’m saying this isn’t how presidents and prime ministers should act.
Funny stuff is about people who seem to have affection for you but turns out to be a snake and stab you in the back when you ain’t looking. It reference’s another Notorious B.I.G. track called Juicy where he says “It’s all good baby baby” and also calls out the haters and also Trump and Boris calling them babies. It also references a Kendrick Lemar song Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe with the line “Bitch you killed my vibe now I don’t even follow you” I follow has two meanings follow you like “I follow you to the club” and follow you like “what the hell you on about I don’t follow what you mean.” It means I’ll cut all ties with you if you play me and talk shit behind my back and I can take the pettiness but some things hurt, it also means I will not support you or your games. “Lorenzo from the West” is referencing the hurricane that passed Britain and is also my name but it’s Laurence I have been called Lorenzo plus the west bit is because I was born in a place in Bristol called Lawrence Weston. The name is going to be my alter ego name and I’m in the process of making an album around it so do look out for that. I decided to call myself Lorenzo West after the storm and I’ve been told I’m a storm in a teacup.
Money Hungry is about, you guessed it money-hungry people. I’m not saying it’s not good to be money hungry but do you really have to be that shallow and hollow with it. I’m tired too of these fake rappers with their rented jewels and on credit gangsters where the real people at lol. I’m not down for the rat race nor am I interested in showing off and that ‘s what money seems to be about nowadays some people don’t know the value of it and don’t know how lucky we all really are to have it. Money can change a person too they go on stuck up and call people bum bitches because they receive benefits or food stamps if you’re American but they forget where they came from and turn their backs on their so-called friends and I ain’t talking about cutting them off to find peace with yourself. I was referencing two songs at the start of the first verse with “Money money money, money walks money talks” O’Jays For The Love Of Money and Stevie V Adventures Dirty Cash. It also references Ludacris Act A Fool “It can leave you malnourished and acting like a fool,” Abba Money Money Money “Money money money ain’t it funny in a poor man’s world,” Bob Marley Rat Race “It is a rat race to say it ain’t is absurd” and Niki Minaj Beez In The Trap “Gimme gimme honey like beez in the trap” and also Lil’ Wayne Make It Rain “I can’t make it rain but it’s me who you should fear” In the second verse I shout out the songs Diamonds And Pearls by Prince “Gimme diamonds and pearls” and yet another biggie song Gimme The Loot “Gimmie the loot gimmie the unsold” which means give me the unsalable and the unsigned I’ve always had love for underground artists especially. The line “Money splurger it can turn to murder, no one cared no one ever heard her” is referencing two things the Tupac and Biggie incident that I think was down to money and was fired up by Suge Knight and other money-related murders also the honey trap honeys who are scandalous and go round robbing people with their looks without anyone noticing. It happened to a friend of mine his ex robbed him and stole inheritance money from him so it was based around that. “You can give it to the birds and bees but the best things in life are free” is referencing Barrett Strong Money That’s What I Want and “vapor lacer” is referencing my passion for old synths and the genre Vaporwave.
Delusional State is about losing your mind and my own personal tale of hearing voices in music. The opening line “When Pony come out I was in a bad place, didn’t want to talk always up in your face” is about the Ginuwine song Pony and when that came out my head was all over the place it began of talk of Illuminati puppets in the music industry in the classroom which didn’t help my already paranoia self and it kind of snowballed into a big problem. I still love the song and haven’t played it for a while but I do like to get down with that song and not in sexy time way lol. In the last line of the first verse I say “I found hidden meaning which I found disturbing, so I went on rants I thought I was curbing” I went on rants and tried to fight with the quote-unquote Illuminati puppets I thought they were dissing me and this was over a few decades. Before you all get cray on me no it wasn’t the puppets or some MK Ultra mind control thing or though there are people out there who think they are helping the puppets cos that’s what makes them feel like a real man or lady or bitch and bastard SNM. They pick on weaker people but that’s the thing I don’t look all that but keep pissing me off and I’ll make you pay, but before you think I’m manic people say I’m friendly and down to earth once you get to know me that is. I mentioned the song by Niki Minaj Only with the line “When only come out I thought I need some help” as when it came out that’s when it was getting all too much like when I had a breakdown when I was 14. It was the music complex and I had to battle going to college every day and being harassed there too cos I was acting odd. Even though everything was salty I still had love and knew it was all in my head as I sworn I saw it when I was younger around 4 people dealing with the same problems so I think it all stemmed from that but that’s to say that’s not an episode as well. The last four lines “Feeling distraught, blind without a rail, it should be fought, your ship has sailed” is about feeling let down and hurt by my favourite artists or that’s what it felt like, I was always panicking when I heard a song come on that felt threatening to me, I was ready to fight them and give them a piece of my mind and would have pulled up on them, I would have tried to take them all on I wasn’t scared. I was done with giving them a chance after many years, decades in fact with this mess in my ear.
Rebuke is my answers to the witch hunt my life has become. If you ever dealt with a conspircay you know what I’m on about but to put it bluntly, they think they own you that’s who I was talking to some delusional crowd who believe their own hype and fake their animal side. And it’s not even the crowd it’s the ring leaders and they are all washed up never has been’s think they are running a show yeah the show is on you freaks, I mean in all honesty I thought I was the delusional one but it turns out there is a whole boatload of them who congregate together and do all sorts of bad stuff. I won’t get into the fact I’ve been stalked and harassed by lamb for over nearly a decade (that’s what I’m calling him for this blog by the way) or the fact he tried to turn the whole of Bristol against me and no I didn’t do anything to him Lamb had another victim he was really the victim, I gave him more than he give but the other one didn’t make it. It’s these weak people who think they can take over family’s and ruin them I’m not being funny but homewreckers springs to mind the sad thing is they are all hyped up cos they‘re infamous for being trashy and homewreckers and they think it’s cool but I’m here to say it’s not. Which is why I opened with the lines “Who do you think you are, you have taken this thing too far” I’m saying you’re a joke people know it. Once he tried to make out he was some sort of cult member set out to destroy the weak and for a bit, I actually believed it but not for long as there wasn’t any real proof of a leader or any other followers I guess he was following himself. I don’t mind haters talking but when damage is being done then it’s more then a joke it’s getting serious. The next line “Go and get your milk you furball baby I hope you choke” is calling them all Thatcher’s supporters and calling lamb and followers pussies.“I hope you choke” is referencing a choker (bondage) whilst saying I hope you choke on that milk (Thatcher’s propaganda.) “Sorry there is nothing you can do, thought I’ll be locked up in a zoo” means there’s nothing you can do or say to change my mind and whatever you say will come out as some more bull shit from your dirty mouths. Locked up in a zoo is referencing a mental unit and they thought they could get me sent to jail or put in a mental ward that already happened twice once on April Fools and the other on Halloween just two days before. I know I was being messed with and this is just proof that he was going on wreckless. He wasn’t happy when I came out and I was told months after by my support worker that he demanded to have me carted back cos I wasn’t fit to be around his kid which is a lie as I would never do anything to a child even in my darkest day. The last line “But oh no here I am, taken to the cleaners call it shazam” this is referencing what happened to the original Shazam and the original makers who got hounded by DC Comics to submission and eventually they went out of business and DC Comics bought the rights to Shazam but it’s kind of like the same thing. I was taken to the cleaners in the sense they nearly had me washed up but I always fought with them and it was back and forth constantly they are just wanna be’s in my opinion and yeah it sounds crazy but it really did happen and is no way a delusional thought and I’m do insist that I am healthy and hearing voice free for 4 years now. I need to talk about it as someone should expose them for who they really are, honestly, they are laughable and I’ve always maintained how they ain’t shit and nothing to be scared off trying to run people’s ghosts around town to enslave them what’s that about and I wasn’t the only one.
Life Goes (On) is my message to other people who have been in a struggle with life. It’s a reminder that life goes on no matter what it throws at us and that we should always pick ourselves up and try again or dust yourself off and try again sorry I had to do it lol. We all have our bad days but we mustn’t give up at the first hurdle no one ever won their private marathon by doing this. It’s the last track of the album as I wanted to leave on a positive note and is one of my positive tracks I’ve made.